05
Boundaries
Hey Friends! Welcome back!
Today I want to talk with you about Boundaries. Sometimes boundaries are easy to set; sometimes they are not. In fact, usually, they are not.
In my situation, much of my abuse contains interfamilial relationships. Your story may not, but even if you feel the context of my lessons doesn’t apply to you, please stick around. WE ALL need boundaries, and regardless of your situation, I promise there will be takeaways from this session.
Once I realized:
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That the ways I had been treated for years was ABUSE and WRONG .
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That things weren't going to change anytime soon. I knew boundaries needed to be put in place.
But boundaries were a WHOLE NEW WORLD to me. I mean, I was the daughter. I can’t stand up and say what is acceptable and what is not. Can I?
YES. YOU ABSOLUTELY CAN.
“What we tolerate is what will perpetuate.”
If we want to be treated differently, if we want our lives to start looking differently, if we want the way we see ourselves and our life to shift and be healthier, then we HAVE to set boundaries.
Boundaries are about US and allowing a space where we can enable and create health in our own person. Boundaries are not about power play and controlling the other person. They serve as our fence to protect us and our well-being, not to punish those outside the fence.
Bound·a·ry
noun
a line that marks the limits of an area; a dividing line.
Boundaries are IMPERATIVE to healing. If we continually subject ourselves to the same treatment that destroyed us, then we will never heal. What makes this extra complicated is that the people/systems we are about to set boundaries with (more than likely) aren’t going to be receptive.
People who ARE the problem in your life will:
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Either outright reject or ignore your boundaries.
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Manipulate/guilt/accuse you in an attempt to break you down and make you 2nd, 3rd, and 4th guess yourself and your decisions.
DON’T FALL FOR IT.
You have to KNOW the truth and HOLD ON TO IT FOR DEAR LIFE.
Remind yourself of your WHY over and over and cling to it!
DO NOT feel guilty or shamed for drawing boundaries.
When we are in constant conflict, dread, or obligation in a relationship, then we are consumed by navigating and coping with it. We must draw boundaries and create a space where we can step back and take an aerial view of ourselves and the people we find ourselves in conflict/obligatory relationship with. We need to identify the toxic messages we are absorbing from/in relationship with that person/people and begin to counter them with the truth. We must identify what is healthy and what is toxic, and then begin to sift through what boundaries must be established and held firm and what boundaries can ebb and flow as the relationship changes.
Sometimes no contact is necessary for a period of time, or even forever. This does not have to be done maliciously. You cannot control the other person and their reaction to your words and choices...
But you DO HAVE FULL CONTROL over yourself.
You ALWAYS can CHOOSE to remain calm, kind, and firm in your speech and behavior.
You cannot let loose and let your words and thoughts fly unfiltered on others. Don’t allow yourself to “let it all out” on others.
But in private, you absolutely can. You (and I) both need an area where we can “let it all out.”
Use that as grief and processing time alone and in private or with one trusted person who will support and listen but not egg you on. You don’t need a person who adds fuel to the fire.
Setting boundaries is something I must continually sift through. I need a lot of self and situational examination, consistently. When I begin to feel angry and irritable with people and situations, I realize I’m most likely having a boundary issue.
You can learn more about boundaries from Dr. Henry Cloud. I've attached a couple of his resources after these questions:
Reflect on these questions:
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Do you feel you have a good understanding of what boundaries are? Why or why not?
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Do you think setting boundaries for yourself will be difficult? Why or why not?
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Identify three areas where you need to draw boundaries. Write them down and begin writing down a formula for action.
Resources:
Boundaries.me - I subscribe Dr. Henry Cloud's course content and listen to MANY of his videos on repeat. He has the credentials to back his content and I would HIGHLY recommend finding him on social media and checking out this website. He often publishes content for free as well as longer segments at a very minimal cost.
